My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
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Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
The morning after pill, but for tweets
A male goth is called a broth.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.