Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider