Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..

Unimpressed

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

Looks at the shower

At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.