My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
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Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
🐶😂
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule