Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

🪶

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

The Compass

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.