My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.