Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.

She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.

🤦🏻‍♀️

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home