always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
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CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
They also CAN sing✌️
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
how much for the angry fruit?
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?