my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
barbara was highly relatable
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0