my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans