my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
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Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.