My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
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“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.