My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
They also CAN sing✌️
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
lol
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”