My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
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The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.