My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
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making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.