My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
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*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right