Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

ㅤㅤ

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.

Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

Going into Monday like

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever