my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
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ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
My purse is deeper than some people.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.