my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
You Might Also Like
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
they really wanted me dead for this
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Rambo Rambow
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”