My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
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I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.