Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

Battery falling down a hole

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.