My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
You Might Also Like
touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Not even remotely sorry.
