
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
*rubs lamp*
Genie: “you get three wishes”
Me: “I wish I wasn’t so alone”
Genie: “k wow I’m like right here”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
You can’t make blanket statements & expect people to take you seriously, but since I hate clowns I’m pretty sure everyone else does too.