My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

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Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed


I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.


I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to


Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.


I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.


First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though


Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?


Stop, drop and roll if your clothes are on fire or if you spot your ex under the mistletoe.