@CulturedRuffian
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
@silent_musings
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
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@CulturedRuffian
@fillthevacuum
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
@Shwetangles
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
@jctwritesstuff
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
@amydillon
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
@Robski_Boy
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
@DillDoes
*rubs lamp*
Genie: “you get three wishes”
Me: “I wish I wasn’t so alone”
Genie: “k wow I’m like right here”
@XplodingUnicorn
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
@elle91
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
@SlayerSays
You can’t make blanket statements & expect people to take you seriously, but since I hate clowns I’m pretty sure everyone else does too.