My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

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What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.


Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.


[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Me: Hey! Come back!


Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.


If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.


*rubs lamp*

Genie: “you get three wishes”

Me: “I wish I wasn’t so alone”

Genie: “k wow I’m like right here”


I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.


Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.


You can’t make blanket statements & expect people to take you seriously, but since I hate clowns I’m pretty sure everyone else does too.