@silent_musings

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

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@UnIxphysco

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

@glenyrd

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

@suecorvette

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

@3sunzzz

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

@TheBoydP

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

@OBiiieeee

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

@AmishPornStar1

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

@Underchilde

Stop, drop and roll if your clothes are on fire or if you spot your ex under the mistletoe.