Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

Ha.

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

this is 10/10 content no notes

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice