Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

New menu item

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon