My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
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I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
i meant to share this earlier
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres