My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
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[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I unironically love this joke.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”