My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
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8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Legend 🤣🤣
No. YOU-buprofen.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
