My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
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I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Just so funny
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in