Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

[first day as a surgeon]

me: do you have any questions?

patient: how often do people die during this surgery?

me: just once

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them

MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long

ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them

TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question

ME: I figured I’d get a few right

TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

*starts new diet*

“Do not drink caffeine”

*ends new diet*

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular