My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
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Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I’d love this…lol
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.