My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
She was rare, like a goth jogging
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest