Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

thank god

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?