My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
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Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.