My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
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This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”