My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
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You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady