My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
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Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
translated into Canadian
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Snapes on a plane.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her