My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
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Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
accurate
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance