Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?

Me: For like important stuff I guess.

CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!

Me: I said impor-

CNN: Using chopsticks!

Me: She did WHAT?

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.

Me when someone tries to get to know me

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work