My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
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i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.
The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.
Don’t touch me.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.