My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
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If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*