my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
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My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.