Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”