My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
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I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*