Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

i feel so bad i refunded him