My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
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I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar