Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

also my go-to takeaway order

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

This is no longer winter this is harassment

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*