my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
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I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
this year felt like being awake during surgery
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
