Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill