My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
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Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
getting groceries
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?