My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
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‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won鈥檛 be your idea.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Perfect.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen鈥檚 entire life won鈥檛 have been a complete waste.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
My days of chasing men over. I鈥檓 all about chasing food trucks now.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
How many? 馃
Toddler: I won鈥檛 eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it鈥檚 yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog鈥檚 piano recitals.
A level of petty I can get with 馃ぃ
Things that don鈥檛 exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I am not emotionally unavailable I鈥檓 trying to get my new scissors out of the package.