My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
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everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”