My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
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anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Got him!
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes