My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
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His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
Me when I’m ovulating
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this