Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

girls literally only want one thing..

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something