My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
The three genders
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work