My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
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Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Think I pulled my liver
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
That was easy.
