My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
You Might Also Like
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
he’s doing your taxes
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that