My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
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*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today