Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

good for her

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.