My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

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I want a relationship like from Up.

She dies and I get a flying house.


I just hope people who say “Jesus is my co-pilot” realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.


Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.


I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.


I just walked through a spiderweb and invented the next Macarena.


If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific


I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.


Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.