My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
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There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.