For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
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I want a relationship like from Up.
She dies and I get a flying house.
I just hope people who say “Jesus is my co-pilot” realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I just walked through a spiderweb and invented the next Macarena.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I bet Yoda was pretty hot before he turned into an old Asian lady.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.