Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

[wife frantically searching the house]

Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere

[me napping on couch]

OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS

I’m already scared

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.

Oh, I bet you would be

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about