My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]