My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
You Might Also Like
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks