my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
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I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*skinny dips into black hole
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure