my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
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God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Taking phone security to the next level.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.