Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

🤷‍♀️

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.